The RWBY Tapes
by FlawedVictori
Summary: Definitely crackish. When team VNOL graduates early, Team RWBY are given the dubious honor of hosting Beacon Student Radio's daily talk show. Hilarity en- I mean, Humor... takes place? Sorry,Knives took the good one.
1. Chapter 1

**You Ever Wonder Why We're Here?**

 _ **A/N: Shout out to the Vinyl Scratch Tapes. Exposition got a bit long, so I split the actual 'tape' into the next chapter. Which, technically, makes today a triple-post day. Woo.**_

With the start of Beacon's second term came every activity director's most dreaded task; filling in the spots left behind by student who, whether by graduation or drop out, would not be returning for the next term.

One such absence was all four of the Djs/Hosts of Beacon's Student Radio. Yes, Team VNOL had graduated, leaving behind a famously hard to fill spot. Normally, the professor handed the duty of finding a replacement would hold interview, searching through the student body until four individuals were found that were deemed adequate.

However, this year the 'honor' fell to Professor Peach, and her notorious no-interaction-with-students-they're-all-annoying-little-blighters policy.

So, she just chose a team at random and sent their scrolls a message, informing them of their new duty.

Of course, the fact that they were not given any chance to decline was well outside of normal procedure, but Peach had tenure, so she wasn't too worried.

With any normal team, this surely would have sparked at least a cursory complaint, but Peach had chosen well. (More accurately, Eeny Meanie tiny grimm had chosen well, but whatever.)

The team contained the ever-enthusiastic Ruby Rose, the famously sister-spoiling Yang Xiao-Long, the one girl on campus more likely to complete extra credit than Pyrrha, Weiss Schnee, and one of the only students to have consistently listened to the Student Station, Blake Belladonna.

In short, the vote was unanimous. Which, quite frankly, had secretly worried all four members.

Before long, the four were in the studio, preparing for their first show.

Upon realizing that all shows were recorded and tapes kept for a minimum of two weeks, in case of complaint, Ruby had made arrangements to secure her own copy of each show.

After all, she reasoned, surely this was something she'd want to look back on in her old age.

And so, the tapes are presented for your entertainment. Enjoy!


	2. Chapter 2

**Wake Up, Chro- Weiss!**

 _ **A/N:Quick Reminder to check my poll. It'll probably take a while to find a good format for these, so just bear with me.**_

The following recording started on August 23'rd, at 10:24 AM

"-working yet?"

"I _think_ so... is the-"

"Oh! The lights on! _Gooooooood_ morning Beacon Academy! We're your new hosts, and th-"

The following recording started on August 23'rd, at 10:27 AM

"You sure?"

"Jaune said we were on his radio for a few seconds there, so if she hit the same switch-"

 **They see you as-**

"Rubes, c'mon! You gotta set it to vi-"

"It's Jaune! He says he can hear us now. We're on the air!

"Oh, great. Good job, Blake. Good thin-"

" _Gooooooood_ morning Beacon Academy! We're your new hosts, and this is the RWBY hour! Everyone's favorite talk sh-mph!"

"Alright sis, let Blake do the intro. She's the only reason we're even on the air, after all."

"Oh, right. I'm Blake, and we're team RWBY. Uh, we're the new hosts, and we, uh... really hope you enjoy the show."

Dead silence followed her statement for about thirty seconds.

"Great... uh, great job. Anyway! I'm Ruby and we're here because team VNOL-"

"We're _here_ because they said we get to miss classes whenever we have to record this stuff."

"Uh, right. That's Yang, everybody. Big sister extraordinaire, best role model a girl could ask for. "

"Oh, Fu-"

"Yang!"

"Oh, right, no cussing. Anyway, shut up. You love me. Weiss, you gonna speak up sometime today, or-?"

"Is she- Oh, not it!"

"Not it!"

"N- shit. Come on, you guys have like, speed related semblances. You wake her up!"

"Not a chance."

"No, you uh, go ahead, sis. I think I'll just fill in the viewers."

"Listeners."

"I dunno Blake, that sounds kinda weird to say. Audience? Okay, audience. Okay, so Weiss, uh..."

"Weiss had a rough night." **A quick giggle is heard.**

"Yang, you _know_ she's gonna listen to this later."

"Hey, I didn't say anything overtly weird. If she sees it that way-"

"Yeah, yeah. Anyway, Weiss stayed up late with me-" **Yang and Blake's laughter can be heard.** "Studying! Studying, with me last night. Get your minds out of the gutter, guys. And she kinda fell asleep when we were trying to get the equipment working."

"And Weiss is not _exactly_ a morning person."

"Very right, Blake. Anyway, despite the fact that Weiss doesn't have her weapon-"

"Myrtenaster-"

"I know, Blake-"

"Yeah, I was just-"

"Trouble in paradise, guys?" **Yang laughs.**

"Oh, shut up. Anyway, Yang fist-fights grimm on a daily basis, but she's too scared to wake up an unarmed Weiss."

"Do _you_ -"

"Not a chance in he- heck!" **Blake and Yang laugh.** "A-anyway, Yang has to wake Weiss up, and unfortunately you guy can't see what's happening, cause it's gonna- It's just gonna be amazing to watch."

"Oh, absolutely."

"If she kills me, Zwei gets my stuff."

"Noted. Now get to it, we don't have all day."

"For those who have not had the misfortune to meet it, Zwei is Ruby and Yang's mutt."

"He's not- oh, Yang, don't!-"

 **A screech is heard, and followed by the unmistakeable sound of flesh striking flesh. Yang can clearly be heard laughing.**

"Guys, watch your mics!"

 **Ruby clambers out of her seat.**

"Yang, what could have possibly made you think that was a good idea?"

 **Yang's voice is lost amidst Ruby and Weiss' whispered conversation**

"Say it into your mic."

 **Ruby can be heard in the background, explaining the situation to Weiss.**

"Oh, my bad. Anyway, I figured she was gonna be cranky anyway, so if I got her mad enough, he wouldn't think to go for any good hits."

"Uh huh. You think your semblance makes you have a bad sense of danger, or-"

"Oh, shut up. _Anyway_ -" **Yang's voice takes on an inflection many would claim could only be heard on a used car lot.** "Weiss is really cute when she's mad."

"Shut up. I'm Weiss, and-"

"And she's here for extra credit. How high over a hundred are you goin for, princess? I mean-"

 **A thump is heard, and Yang's voice moves away from her mic. Despite this, several curses can be heard.**

" _Do not_ speak to me."

"For those of you unable to see what's going on, Weiss just kicked Yang in the shin."

"Which is hopefully all of them."

"Shut up, Blake. Anyway, on that note, I guess it's time to call our first episode to a close. Don't worry though, we'll be back tomorrow! We'll probably even be on time!"

 **A few seconds of silence follows.**

 **Everyone's voice comes in, though a bit muffled due to distance from the mics.**

"So, uh... not a bad first show, right? Blake, you mind getting the recording for me? I' not sure how to work these things..."

"I wouldn't know how it went, now would I? I'll have to check the recording. Oh, and..."

 **A smack is heard.**

"Alright, Ice Queen, I think that's enough of that."

"You deserve it!"

"Oh, like you weren't excited for a second there!"

"I- I was startled! You try waking up with someone's face that close and-"

" _Startled_ , sure.. You puckered up, you know you did. Blake, what's taking so long? Goodwitch'll kill us if we're late.

"Oh, come on, sis, are you scared of a bit of sparring?"

"You're damn right I am. You know she's still mad about my scroll going off last week! She'll put me up against Pyrrha for sure."

"I, for one, would love to see Pyrrha demolish you."

"Oh, you just want to watch us grappling, huh? I getcha, Weiss. Sorry though, I'm pretty sure she's straight."

"Uh, guys? I think we might still be on the air."

" _What_?"

"Oh, sh... darn."

"Ruby, go hit the blue switch."

 **Clattering can be heard, Ruby's voice comes closer to the mic.**

"Uh... this on-"


	3. Chapter 3

**Getting Crap Past The Radar**

 _ **A/N:Blak Blak double upload today, blah blah AU Showcase blah blah check my poll.**_

 **The Following Recording Began at 10:00 AM, on August 24'th**

"Okay guys, we need to have a good show today. Yesterday kinda... oh, we're on, aren't we?"

 **A sigh is heard.**

" _Gooooood_ Morning Beacon Academy! We're back with another episode of... Beacon Talk. Sorry guys, Good- er, a Professor told us we can't rename the show."

"On the other hand, she- er, they said we could say whatever the fuck we want, and the only thing anyone can do is complain to the Professor who gave us the job."

"They also said not to get carried away."

"Oh, shut up. You're just mad-" **Yang's voice suddenly becomes indistinct.**

"I refuse to get dragged into another pointless argument with you-" **Weiss' voice becomes nearly impossible to hear.**

"Guys, quit arguing! No one tunes in to hear that stuff! Blake, can you do something?"

"Already turned off their mics."

"Oh, great idea."

"Thanks.

For a few moments, the only audible sound is the low buzz of Yang and Weiss' argument.

"S-so! Blake, what kind of... uh, what kind of music do you listen to?"

"Uh, what? Sorry, I was, uh... it's kind of distracting, isn't it?"

"Yeah, it is. Oh, for the audience, uh, lets just say Yan-"

 **A click is heard.**

"Yang just _fucking_ burned Weiss."

"How'd you turn that back on? I thought mine was the main control!"

"Oh, you just gotta press the green button."

 **Another click is heard.**

"I would like to say that Yang did nothing of the sort. Now, what were you two talking about?"

"Oh, whatever, you little-" Yang broke off, mumbling under her breath.

"We were talking about what kinds of music we liked."

"Ah. I enjoy classical, and-"

"Weiss, you're into classical? You should have told me!"

"Uh-"

"An old buddy of mine from Signal's been looking for a girl for like a year, but he's part of this orchestra, and they travel a lot. I could hook you up?"

"Yang, what are you-?"

"I mean, someones got to play Weiss a little Concerto in D soon, or she'll end up killing us all."

The nearly minute long silence that followed made many students check their radios for malfunctions.

"Boo."

"That was horrid."

"It wasn't even funny."

"Oh, shut up. You guys have no sense of humor. Anyway, if Weiss is classical, then you know I'm-"

"Easy listening."

A snicker can be heard.

"Weiss, come on. I thought you were better than that."

"Ugh."

"Heh, nice one, Ice Queen."

"Do _not_ encourage her."

"Aw, but-"

"No, sis. You didn't have to sit through sixteen rose puns this morning."

"What's the matter, Ruby? Afraid of what my sense of humor is going to... _bloom_ into?"

"I have a scythe, and I know how to use it."

"Ah, whatever. Hey partner, you've been quiet this morning. What music do you listen to?"

"Pop, soft rock, a bit of-"

"Oh, and here I was, thinking you'd like it hard instead."

 **Ruby and Blake can be heard groaning.**

"Hm, I would've thought you preferred jazz, Blake. I heard you listening-"

"Hey now, let's keep this PG."

"Yang, that was weak, even for you. But anyway, I was listening to that cause I'd heard about the artist passing, and thought I'd at least try out some of his music."

"Rubes, quit glaring at me. It's actually pretty fun, you give it a try."

"Uh, wait... R and... no, uh... Alternative?"

"Kinky."

"Uh, hip hop, rap, metal, uh... coun- ugh... country?"

 **Dead silence reigned over the studio.**

"Uh, a- anyway, I prefer boy bands."

"We'd noticed. We've all heard you singing AchieveMen songs in the shower."

"Singing is a, uh... generous term."

"Hey, you guys can all fuck right off."

 **The other three, in clear defiance of Yang's wishes, did not fuck right off. Instead, they each began singing one of the AchieveMen's 'hits' as off key as they could.**

"Oh, girl, We go together better than chocolate mixed with peanut candies, girl, we should mix it up and see what we get, girl, oh oh ohhhhhh"

"Oh, baby, when I get done with you, your legs won't know they're legs babe, ohhhhh"'

"Oh, girl, come up in my Rayvine, girl, you know you won't regret it, you know what I Raymean, girl, oh, oh, ohhhh."

"Hey, too soon!"

"Oh, right, Ray went to start a solo project, didn't he?"

"Yeah...I'm pretty sure he's not coming back, either. I heard his new song got like-"

 **A loud buzzer is heard.**

"Oh, it's time already?! Uh, this has been Beacon Talk. Join us tomorrow for our first call in show!"


End file.
